A very emotional day

I expected that last Christmas would be the last Christmas with my dad on this side of heaven, and so I knew this Christmas season would be tough, even as far back as last Christmas season. But today was really tough.

My oldest was singing in the youth choir today at the Methodist church for both the 8:30 and the 11:00 service. So we all went to the early service, and then stayed for Sunday School and the 11:00 service, too. We sang "Hark the Herald Angels" today, and the alto part is too high, but I can't sing tenor on the hymns anymore because I think of Daddy and I start to cry. We also sang "Once in Royal David's City," which also made me think about Daddy, so that was difficult to sing also.

I went to Sunday school and enjoyed it. Pastor Carlos talked to us about Christmas traditions in Mexico, and I learned a lot about Mexico and the Spanish language. We also discussed the origins of various traditions. I like Carlos.

Then I went to the second service, which is pretty much the same service as the first service, except that there is a baby dedication in the 11:00 service. I didn't think much about it before time, but at the beginning of the dedication service, I realized that I hadn't seen a baby dedication in years. I usually go to the early service, and baby dedications seem to happen in the later services. As I listened to the parents promise to avoid sin, follow Jesus at all costs, to raise their child for the Lord, it hit me really hard that at one time Darin had promised all of those things,too. It made me really sad. Every time they said "I do" or "I will", it felt like another knife in my heart. The baby's grandfather was a minister, so after the vows had been said, the pastor let the grandfather pray the prayer and do the baptism. The grandfather's prayer just broke my heart because it reminded me so much of my dad, and how happy he was with his four granddaughters.

I've been a wreck all afternoon. I just want to be left alone, and I can't explain to the girls what is going on in my head and in my heart.